I have been sick...

I have not been feeling real well as of late. I haven't felt like eating very much and the very cold weather has been taking a toll on me. I have lost some weight and generally feel horrible, but, I guess it could be worse!

Back again..

It has been awhile since I last posted on here. Nothing has changed regarding my condition, even though it seems to me that I am not as healthy as I was since I last posted. When you have a chronic disease or condition it seems that you suffer in silence! Nobody really understands how you feel, and I think that they sometimes even believe that you are lazy and don't want to work. If only they could a mile in my shoes.....

A happier me!

I am a little happier now. I started recieving my Social Security disability payments from the goverment and that means that there is one less thing to worry about on my part. It is such a relief to have a little money. Now I don't have to worry about my water, electric or heat being turned off and I can concentrate on getting healthy again one day. there are no updates on any surgery or my hips just healing on their own. I am still getting physical therapy and going to the pain doctor every 2 weeks. I am sleeping a bunch and find it hard to get up and motivated to do anything. Anyway just having some income makes things better!!!

Made my day!

I got a call today from my attorney who told me that my hearing before the social security judge tomorrow was cancelled. She said that the judge had called her today and said that he agreed that I was disabled and that the evidence in my file was overwhelmingly in my favor. I am so relieved, but, she said it may take 3 or more months to start getting any money coming in. I don't think I can make it that long!
I am a little mad about this whole process even though I finally won my case. Why did it take so long for me to win my case? It's not like the judge was looking at any different evidence than the social security examiner's and doctor's who had previously said that I could still work even though I have this disease. By the time I get any money coming in then it will be almost 3 years since I last worked. My brother told me that every time they deny people benefits then they are trying to starve you out! I had never considered that before and it hit me like a ton of bricks. It made so much sense that if they keep turning you down then you might be so desperate that despite the amount of pain you are in you will go out and get a job and they won't have to give you benefits. How sad! Unfortunately I have to believe that they are doing this because it just doesn't make any sense to me otherwise. I am grateful that once I start getting my monthly check I won't have to worry about whether I am going to be able to put gas in my car to get to the doctor or store or how I am going to be able to fix things when they break. I feel that my government let me down like I am sure they have done this to many other people out there! I hope one day that this system that most people pay taxes into for things like this gets fixed. Social Security is suppose to be for retirement and if you become disabled and cannot work. If this was a private company that promised benefits and then tried to get out of paying them then the government would be all over them filing lawsuits and threatening to throw them in jail. What a double standard! What a shame!

Major Depression

I haven't really been posting too much lately due to the fact that I have been not feeling so well for the past couple of months. I think that some of the new medicine I am on is making me sick. Also I have been really depressed lately. I am having financial problems which one should expect considering I live alone and have not worked since May of 2002. I live in Ohio and it is getting cold here and I found out my furnace doesn't work have been freezing and since I also have arthritis which is related to this disease the cold weather makes my bones and body hurt that much more. I have tried to find help to fix my furnace, but, there isn't any help to be found. It was hard anyway to ask for help due to my pride and now I am even more frustrated to think that there is no place to go for assistance. I didn't ask for this disease. It came looking for me! I always thought the great and generous American government that I faithfully paid my taxes to would be there when I needed them and they weren't. What an eye opener! There is no compassion and caring for the ordinary citizen.
I hate to turn this into something political, but, we are coming up with all of this money to fight terrorism(which needs to be done) and we can't come up with the money to assist people who can't help the fact that they are disabled and can't work.

I knew that my social security hearing was coming up before the judge tomorrow and he was was going to decide my fate. I was either going to get disability benefits or I was going to be denied again. If I lost then that would probably be it. No more appeals would be left unless I wanted to file a lawsuit in federal court and I probably couldn't get an attorney to assist me with it anyway since I didn't have the money to pay them. I have to admit that the thought crossed my mind that I would either be homeless or I would just walk in front of a truck and end my suffering. Neither one of these options seem to be real appealing most of the time. I try hard to fight these feelings, but, it is frustrating. I was even at the point where I didn't want to pray and ask God to help me. I thought that there was so many things that have went bad in my life that if I was going to lose my case before the judge tomorrow then that would confirm that somehow I had lived my life wrong and I was getting some payback. I know that it is wrong to think this way, but, sometimes I can't help it!

Finally some good news!

I am pretty excited right now! This afternoon I went to my mailbox to check my mail and found that Social Security finally has scheduled my hearing before the judge. It is for November 17th and even though I have been waiting for this a long time I have to admit that I am a little nervous about it. This is it. I either win my case or I get rejected for disability once again. I am confident that I will win, but, you never know how these things are going to go. I really just don't have much faith in our government right now. I couldn't believe that I had initially lost my case anyway since this is a really wicked disease I am living with. But, that is exactly what happened. My attorney told me she expects that we will win with no problems. Is that just lawyer talk or what? I don't know, but, I hope that she presents my case well and we end up winning. I guess she wants to get paid and will only make her money if I win. Looking back and thinking of how much I have struggled finacially and physically I am glad that at least I will know one way or another.......

Feeling sick lately

I haven't been feeling too well lately and I am trying to figure out the cause of it. I was put on several new medications a couple of weeks ago and have just felt crappy ever since. I get nauseated for hours at a time and that has to be the worst feeling in the world!

Some relief

Since I last posted I have been to the pain doctor and she prescribed some pain meds and physical therapy for me. I also went to see the doctor who specializes in treating cholesterol disorders. I really learned a lot about the foods that turn into cholesterol. He put me on some medication to help bring my cholesterol level down. Both of these new doctor's of mine seem to be really nice and down to earth. The one thing I can't stand is a doctor who doesn't listen to anything you say. So hopefully I am on my way toward better health. As long as I am not in a lot of pain I can deal with it!

Visit with Family

I finally got to go out in somewhat of a social setting last night. My cousin and uncle were up visiting from another state and I went to my aunt's house to have dinner with them. It is nice to be able to catch up with what they are up to since I do not get to see them very much. My uncle is getting up there in age and even though he seems to be in pretty good health it is always nice to be able to get his advice on life. I think that even though I am older than a lot of people out there, I can always learn something from someone who is older and wiser! I would like to think that I am continuing to grow as a person.
I felt pretty good as far as pain for awhile and then my left knee started hurting and after a couple of hours my hips were hurting and then my back started hurting. I guess the pain medication started wearing off. Oh well, that's just part of the daily routine.

Trip to the Doctor's.....

I went to the dermatologist on Monday and my family doctor on Tuesday. The dermatologist removed a mole from behind my left ear because she felt it looked a little funny. My family doctor ended up changing some of my medication and I also needed some paperwork filled out. I hate asking doctor's to fill out paperwork since they already have so much from the insurance companies, but, I guess sometimes it can't be helped. I also went and had some blood work done on Tuesday afternoon. They checked my liver function, cholesterol level, sugar and kidney function. I received a phone call from the doctor's office early Wednesday morning and everything came back normal except for my cholesterol level. I already knew that my cholesterol level would be high since I have had a problem with cholesterol since my early 20's. I guess heredity plays a bigger part than I had ever expected in my health. I am going to see a specialist on September 30th just for this problem. I think that this doctor just specializes in treating people who have high cholesterol who don't really respond to other forms of treatment.

I went to my cousin's wife birthday party on Wednesday. She is not much into parties, but, I enjoyed just getting out and socializing a little bit. The weather here is great and it was nice to get out and enjoy it. I am definitely not looking to the winter. I love snow, but, could do without the really cold weather. Ever since I have had this disease it is miserable when it gets cold. Every part of my body aches. I am looking forward to the day when I am back in charge of my life instead of having this disease control every part of my life for the last several years. My advice to anyone who has this disease is to stay as active as much as possible and to live life to the fullest. It is hard to do that sometimes when the pain is unbearable, but, if you can please do it! Also if you are in pain and are not getting relief from a certain pain med then tell your doctor and insist they give you something to control your pain. If they refuse to do that then go seek out a doctor who specializes in treating chronic pain. It is your life and you need to live it as free from pain as possible.......

Another day, same old me!

Well here it is a beautiful Sunday and I am sitting here watching some football on television and I am trying to focus on the things that I can do to make myself healthier and not concentrate on the things that I can't do. That is pretty hard though. I was asleep foe like 12 hours last night. That is pretty strange since I am not on morphine at this time. I guess being on so many medications finally catches up with you. Also I think your body says it needs more sleep than at other times! I also am trying to get my sleep pattern straight, since I use to work the night shift before I contracted this disease I can't seem to be able to sleep at nights. I feel so much better if I go to sleep at night and wake up at 8:00 or 9:00 in the morning. It makes me feel somewhat normal.

I have a cat and she is so bored she is asleep on my bed as I am sitting here writing this. Sometimes I think that she is my only friend! I guess it is easy to feel that way when you don't have a social life and you are pretty much confined to bed. I advise anyone who suffers with this disease to try and stay involved with your family and friends as much as possible. I have tried to do that, but, unfortunately it hasn't worked out that way I had hoped. I am going to the dermatologist tomorrow and to my family doctor on Tuesday. Then it is off to the new pain doctor on the 29th and to the doctor who specializes in treating high cholesterol on the 30th. Oh, I also have to have blood work done tomorrow also. I have to fast for 14 hours before I go and that makes it kinda tough. But, another day and another step closer to reaching the end of my nightmare! At least I hope........