Major Depression

I haven't really been posting too much lately due to the fact that I have been not feeling so well for the past couple of months. I think that some of the new medicine I am on is making me sick. Also I have been really depressed lately. I am having financial problems which one should expect considering I live alone and have not worked since May of 2002. I live in Ohio and it is getting cold here and I found out my furnace doesn't work have been freezing and since I also have arthritis which is related to this disease the cold weather makes my bones and body hurt that much more. I have tried to find help to fix my furnace, but, there isn't any help to be found. It was hard anyway to ask for help due to my pride and now I am even more frustrated to think that there is no place to go for assistance. I didn't ask for this disease. It came looking for me! I always thought the great and generous American government that I faithfully paid my taxes to would be there when I needed them and they weren't. What an eye opener! There is no compassion and caring for the ordinary citizen.
I hate to turn this into something political, but, we are coming up with all of this money to fight terrorism(which needs to be done) and we can't come up with the money to assist people who can't help the fact that they are disabled and can't work.

I knew that my social security hearing was coming up before the judge tomorrow and he was was going to decide my fate. I was either going to get disability benefits or I was going to be denied again. If I lost then that would probably be it. No more appeals would be left unless I wanted to file a lawsuit in federal court and I probably couldn't get an attorney to assist me with it anyway since I didn't have the money to pay them. I have to admit that the thought crossed my mind that I would either be homeless or I would just walk in front of a truck and end my suffering. Neither one of these options seem to be real appealing most of the time. I try hard to fight these feelings, but, it is frustrating. I was even at the point where I didn't want to pray and ask God to help me. I thought that there was so many things that have went bad in my life that if I was going to lose my case before the judge tomorrow then that would confirm that somehow I had lived my life wrong and I was getting some payback. I know that it is wrong to think this way, but, sometimes I can't help it!